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Monday, August 30, 2010

Donovan McNabb hurt already in Washington

The season hasn't even started and Donovan McNabb is hurt already for the Washington Redskins. Who didn't see this coming ? He had injury problems in Philly, and Washington just never seems to have any luck with the quarterback position. Put the two together and he may not see the field all year. If that was me, and I was the Redskins I would of tried my luck with Michael Vick, prison couldn't end his career, maybe Washington couldn't either.

Justin Bieber to star in remake of Grease ?

Rumor has it Justin Bieber wants to star in a remake of Grease opposite Miley Cyrus. If that was me, and I was the producers of a remake of Grease and those were my best options for the leading roles I'd remake a different movie. How about Smokey and The Bandit ? Anyone besides me see Billy Ray driving the truck?

Lindsay Lohan pulled over by police

Lindsay Lohan, fresh from rehab, was stopped by Las Vegas police for ignoring a stop sign. She wasn't arrested, or even ticketed, but something more important may have been missed by the police. The cause of all her problems obviously stem from her brain's inability to recognize the word stop. She can't stop drinking, doing drugs, anything ! If that was me, and I was that cop, I would of took her back to school. Forget rehab, the poor girl never learned STOP!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Billy Joel gives the show Glee permission to use his music

Billy Joel , remembering back to his day in the chorus, has given the t.v. show Glee permission to use his music in an episode. If that was me, and I was Billy I would let the homeless use my music. Seems the only time we hear anything about him lately is when he's crashing his car.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck felt President Obama's intensity

Elisabeth Hasselbeck commenting recently on her meeting with President Obama said they looked into each others eyes and she could feel the intensity. If that was me, and I was Michelle Obama, I wouldn't leave the two of them alone any time soon. Wouldn't be the first time a President fell for a blonde.

Plaxico Burress stole his uniform number

Former Giant teammate Jeff Feagles claims he had an arrangement with Plaxico Burress to give him his uniform number. He claims Plaxico was supposed to pay for some home improvements in exchange for the use of the number 17. Problem is he never paid and now he's in jail. If that was me, and I was Jeff Feagles, a punter, I wouldn't of brought this up. Do you really want a 6'7" former football player, former prison inmate to be upset with you ? Hey Jeff PUNT !

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Tiger Woods world's greatest actor

Tiger Wood's ex wife Elin Nordegren , in an interview for People magazine, states she had no clue about her ex husband's other life. If that was me, and I was Tiger, I would maybe consider a new career, after all the golf thing isn't going too well. Any man who can have that much going on behind his wife's back, has got to be a great actor. Maybe he won't be able to start out in feature films, but you have to admit he's got a great resume for porn, to go along with the name.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Ozzfest on tour

Ozzfest is currently touring with Judas Priest, Motley Crue, and of course Ozzy. Now I love those guys as much as anyone, but c'mon Ozzy, what happened to the days of Ozzfest being about new and upcoming bands. If that was me and I was Ozzy I'd be honest with the fans and call it Oldfest. What's it sponsored by Depends ?

Find a hitman on Facebook

A 19 year old Pa man allegedly upon hearing he might be charged with rape, put out a "hit" on the victim through his Facebook page. If that were me, the hell with arresting him, I would put him in a dark room with all the victim's Facebook friends and see who comes out !

Bloggers in Philly need $300 license

Marilyn Press of Philadelphia operates a blog called msphillyorganic on wordpress. Her blog is a hobby and she feels she may have earned a grand total of $50 from it over the course of the last several years. The problem is in Philadelphia there is a law stating if it has the potential to make money she must have a business privilege license at a cost of $300. If that were me I would start a new blog called Why Philly Stinks and make sure I got my money's worth. Really ? We give tax breaks to giant corporations to do business in our cities, but we need to license bloggers. Hopefully some of the more successful bloggers can chip in and pay for her license.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Laurence Fishburne's daughter doing porn

Montana Fishburne daughter of Laurence is going into porn and her dad is disowning her. His biggest problem supposedly is her use of her last name. If that was me I wouldn't change a thing, c'mon Fishburne, is their a better porn name !

Jesse James and Kat Von D

Jesse James and Kat Von D are supposedly involved. If that was me and I was Kat I'd keep Jesse out of the shop, that's like a candy store to him, especially if a neo nazi stopped by.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Tiger Woods excuse

Tiger Woods claims a factor contributing to his poor play is a lack of practice time due to the visitation schedule of his children. Last year he found time for countless women and still earned 90 million dollars. If that was me I would appreciate the amount of time that money give me to spend with my kids. Hey Tiger remember all that time your dad gave you ?

D.C Housewife vs Whoopi

Housewives of D.C'S Michaele Salahi, recently claimed Whoopi Goldberg hit her during a taping of The View. If that was me I would stay away from Whoopi, she will definitely kick your ass. Maybe you should start with Elizabeth Hasselbeck and work your way up.

Tori Spelling a Snooki fan ?

Tori spelling is supposedly a big fan of MTV's The Jersey Shore. If that were me (Tori), I would consider moving my show to Jersey, taking up drinking heavily, and dancing all night. Maybe someone would watch her show.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Christina Applegate pregnant

Christina Applegate has announced she is expecting a baby. If that was me I would spend as much time as possible with that baby. No one knows how fragile life can be better than her.

Dina Lohan buys lottery ticket

Dina Lohan was recently seen buying a lottery ticket at a 7 Eleven. If that was me, I would buy a Slurpee, it might keep her quiet for awhile.

Howard Stern sighting

Howard Stern and Beth Ostrosky were spotted dining at Nick & Toni's in East Hampton NY. If that was me I would get myself off satellite radio or on tv. When was the last time we heard anything about Howard. Hope the money was worth the obscurity.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Jesse James gets custody

Jesse James was awarded custody of his daughter Sunny from his porn star ex wife. This allows him to move her closer to where Sandra Bullock lives and allows visits with her. If that was me I would let that little girl spend as much time as possible with Sandra. Her other parents, a porn star, and a womanizer, give the girl a chance, Jesse.

Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez

Cameron Diaz and Alex Rodriguez are still dating after 3 months. Friends say the relationship is working cause she gets along with him just like one of the guys in the clubhouse. If that was me and I was a teammate i'd stay away from him in the shower. Watch out Derek !

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Courtney Cox filming Scream 4

Courtney Cox is currently filming Scream 4 with husband David Arquette. If that was me I would keep making these films, it seems to be the only job her husband can get. Don't worry David i'll start working on the screenplay for the next one as soon as i'm done blogging.

Jessica Simpson twitters 30 and wrinkled

Jessica Simpson recently twittered "It's official- i'm 30 and found a wrinkle dammit" If that was me I would be more concerned with my weight. Was the wrinkle under a roll ?

New American Idol judge

American Idol is supposedly considering Chris Isaak or Harry Connick jr to replace Simon Cowell as a judge. If that was me I would hire Amarosa, I think she's way scarier than Simon.

Julia Roberts makes her own kids' clothes

Julia Roberts recently told Oprah that she sews her own childrens clothes because they're so expensive. If that was me I would try Target or Macys, they have great sales on children's clothes Julia.

Bare blob not sexy

I am constantly seeing young girls walking around wearing half shirts with out of shape bellies hanging out. If that was me I would work out or cover up, certainly not put a big piercing in my belly button to draw attention there. Ladies it's not sexy !

Federal government investigating Lance Armstrong

The federal government wants to look into accusations that Lance Armstrong was using performance enhancing drugs. If that was me I would look into what he's using to get all these women, that's more amazing to me than how fast he can ride a bike.

MTV's Jersey Shore #1 show in Mexico and Columbia

The MTV show Jersey Shore debuted as the number one show among 18 to 24 year olds in Mexico and Columbia. If that was me and I lived in those countries I would want to come here too, all we do here is tan, work out, fist pump, and party for free !

Target targets !

I went to Target the other day and had to use the restroom. If that was me running Target I would paint targets in the urinals and toilets.

Presidential campaign funds

Newsweek is reporting potential presidential candidates have already raised over $33 million in donations. If that was me I would use that money to help the struggling citizens of this country, not for another commercial on American Idol. That would go a lot farther with me as for getting my vote.

Amazon E-book sales increase

Amazon has announced in the last month they have sold nearly twice as many Kindle books as actual books on it's website. Bookstores, if that was me i'd start downsizing and selling more coffee and Kindle accessories.

Unemployment benefits extended

Unemployment benefits have been extended again. If that was me running the program I would put some of these people to work cleaning up our country. I have never seen so much uncut grass, potholes, and trash alongside our nations highways. Let's restore some pride in our nation !

Reverend Al on cover of Newsweek

Reverend Al Sharpton is on the cover of Newsweek magazine. If that was me, and I had done all that's in his past, I would probably still be in jail.

Madonna new clothing line

Madonna and her 13 year old daughter Lourdes Leon have launched their own clothing line at Macys. If that was me and I had Madonna's money I would buy my daughter some new clothes and stop making her wear my hand me downs.

Bill Murray dumpster dives

Bill Murray recently dumpster dived on The David Letterman Show. If that was me I would go to more fashionable neighborhoods. C'mon Bill the clothes ?!

Jennifer Aniston stalker

A man was arrested recently after traveling cross country with a knife and duct tape with the intention of marrying Jennifer Aniston. If that was me and I really wanted to marry her, I would of shown up with a ring and a fertility test.
I don't condone violence or stalking.

Enrique Iglesias video features cast of Jersey Shore

Enrique Iglesias has a new single called "I like it" with a video featuring the cast of The Jersey Shore. If that was me I would've titled the song Jersey shore to be cancelled and broke. Now I like that.

Lady Gaga half naked

Lady Gaga likes to walk around half dressed. I f that was me and I looked like that I would either workout, get plastic surgery, cover up, or all of the above. Lady gag me ugh !

Jersey housewife 11 million in debt

Jersey housewife Teresa Giudice and her husband are reportedly 11 million dollars in debt. If that was me this would never happen. I don't know anyone who would loan me five dollars !

Shaq vs

Shaq is back with his show Shaq vs. If that was me on that show i'd have to challenge jockeys to slam dunk contests, that's the only chance i'd have of winning.

Sylvester Stallone

Sylvester Stallone made another action film. If that was me i'd keep doing these types of movies, it's the only way he can surround himself with actors worse than him.

BP scaling back cleanup

BP said it was gonna scale back it's clean up efforts. If that was me i'd make sure those beaches were cleaner than when I got there and pass out free gas cards on my way out of town.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Jack Roush crashes his plane AGAIN !

Nascar team owner Jack Roush survived his second plane crash while piloting his own plane. If that was me I would stick with cars.

Obama knew Lindsay Lohan was in jail

President Obama admitted he knew Lindsay Lohan was in jail, if that was me I wouldn't admit it even if I did know it.

Obama on The View

President Obama was recently on The View, if that was me I would be running the country.